I Can't Be Having An Affair
by Ldylaura2828
Summary: Pam's whizzing thoughts and some unJAM like behavior.


Disclaimer: I don't own the show, write for it or have stock in it. Though I do like to make the characters dance to my tunes. I don't know why we feel compelled to start each story with this disclaimer since there is a precedent of the Larry Flint lawsuit saying it is permissible to write about celebrities and not get sued...whatever!

Author's Note: People I know you have put both Mr. Jim and Ms. Pam on a pedestal. I need to explore this direction. I believe cheaters should be castrated in my personal life...however, these are fictional tv characters and this is fanfiction so I am going down a naughty little path. You are welcome to join me in my head to watch this twisted drama unfold. Most surveys suggest 60 of men and 40 of women have affairs. I am sure some of them are nice people too. I was beat up on the boards when I suggested it would be hot to see JAM do something so un JAM. This attempt is rather strange (obliviously I have my own reservations about having them "cheat" physically). I jump back and forth between action and Pam's racing thoughts. I am sure some of you will want to beat me with a grammar stick though I might enjoy it...One line that sticks in my brain like a golf tee for me: "BFD, engaged ain't married." I think I will explore this in another story where I focus on the undeniable pull they have for each other and watching the struggle of denying themselves what they both so dearly want.

I Can't Be Having An Affair

I am not the kind of girl that has an affair. I believe in romance, true love and happily ever afters. I couldn't be having an affair! It wouldn't be fair and it wouldn't be right! I go home to Roy every single night.

Pam thinks back to the office earlier that month. Angela was in the break room giving her and Jim the evil eye. Angela has this look that judges and convicts in the very same glance. Scary! Usually they joke about it but today it wasn't very funny when Angela's glaze rested on them in the silence. It was silent only after Angela told everyone about the article she had read about emotional affairs and how it was rampant at the workplace. How people were married or engaged to someone but they still flirted and lusted for an officemate.

A

ngela couldn't let it drop. "Yeah, can you imagine being with someone but constantly talking and flirting with someone else at work. It is emotional cheating! I mean how slutty!" Angela's eyes rested on Pam for a moment then she shrugged. "I guess some people are like that."

Pam could tell Jim wanted to say something. Anything to stop Angela but if he did he knew it would make it worse. He stayed silent and endured the tirade. Pam remembered how Jim looked at her with sadness and guilt. She blushed so much so she felt faint. Everyone was looking at her and then no one would look her in the eye. No one except Jim because he knew. He shared in her secret.

Phyllis spoke up. "Angela, it isn't cheating if they don't act on it." Looking over at Jim and Pam wanting desperately to protect them for Angela's punishing glance.

"It is an affair of the heart." Angela said with confidence. "People shouldn't be in love with co-workers." Her eyes darted to Dwight working diligently at his desk before adding, "Unless they are single. An emotional affair is just as bad as a physical one if not worse."

All Pam had wanted to do was run but she was frozen in that space and time. She couldn't move. Her guilt and shame was holding her immobile to be whipped by Angela's words. She was a terrible human being. How could she be doing this to Jim, to Roy and to herself?

"Well, I think if two people can be happy they should be!" Kelly chimed in. She smiled at Ryan. "True love is so rare. People should grab it with both hands and never ever let it go. When you're in love nothing should matter except being together." Ryan looked positively uncomfortable and trapped.

Angela huffed. "How can it be true love if they are sneaking around behind everyone's back to... to... to make eyes at each other."

Jim almost choked on his sandwich. He had been staring at Pam trying to communicate how sorry he was for everything and Angela exposed him.

Dwight came running into the breakroom. "Clear space! Clear space! Coming through. I know the Heim-lick procedure."

Jim held up his hands to protect himself from Dwight's medical knowledge. A knowledge no doubt could kill him. "I am fine. I am fine." Still coughing a bit but after a drink of grape soda he was out of danger of being Dwighted.

Dwight was disappointed but looked around the room. "What is being discussed in here? Is this a meeting about Unions? They will fire you all." He looked at Angela for an explanation.

"No, Dwight we were talking about that article I read. The one on emotional affairs in the workplace." Angela supplied him with the topic of discussion.

"Oh, yes." Looking down at Jim. "Emotional affairs, they lower productivity and are a distraction for others." He enjoyed Angela's look of subdued passion that belied her fire. She spared him a small smile which hit in places best not discussed.

Kelly looked over at Pam and Jim, "Still it is so romantic! To make love to each other with their eyes and their hearts singing whenever they are near each other." Kelly sighed wishfully.

Meredith couldn't stand to watch this anymore. "So I am going to AA."

Another long beat of silence before everyone breathed. Someone said, "Oh great! Congratulations."

She nodded and as she headed to her desk she realizing giving up drinking was going to be harder than she thought. Her leaving the break room seemed to break Angela's evil spell on the room. Other people shuffled out leaving Pam and Jim alone.

Jim cleared his throat. "I am so sorry." His voice was soft and filled with regret.

Pam couldn't take it. "Don't do that." She looked into his eyes and held his stare. She couldn't help that she was drinking him in, she was just thirsty for him. "There's nothing to be sorry for. Angela's... well, she's just Angela."

"Oh yeah, totally. I mean emotional affairs? What's next the thought police?" Jim took the hint and worked really hard on making it sound like none of it mattered. He was trying to make her feel like his love for her didn't matter, when in his life it was the only thing that did matter.

Pam was grateful for the help Jim gave her. It was getting harder and harder to lie to herself so his assistance was greatly appreciated. "So did you see Spouse Swap last night?" Hoping to the change of subject would eliminate her guilt.

"No, I did not. Was it good?" Jim asked when he looked like he wanted to scream. His eyes kept asking her why do we keep doing this?

The unasked question went unanswered as usual. Pam's eyes held his and pleaded for his assistance. "Nope. I didn't see it either." She sighed.

The silence was deafening.

After quickly eating his lunch, Jim said, "Well, back to work." He walked to his desk and stared at the computer screen. Pam doubted he was working. She guessed the conversation affected him too.

Pam's thoughts swirled around her. I can not be having an affair. I can not be having an affair. But in her heart, she could say that all she wanted, she knew the truth. She knew she was a terrible person who couldn't help herself. Jim was so...Jim. He was her best friend so it was normal that she thought about him a lot. She was sure he thought about her a lot too because he remembered little details and did thoughtful things just to make her happy. It was okay they talked a lot, because that's what best friends do. It may not be completely normal to be so happy to see him every morning...

Granted it wasn't the brightest thing to go to the office with the flu last month, but she wanted to see him. He was so sweet and kept bringing her tea and soup. It was so wonderful to have someone take care of her. After he finally convinced her to go home he emailed her the rest of the day. The next day he called several times and once left her on speaker phone so I could hear what was happening and I wouldn't be bored. He made jokes and had conversations to make me laugh. She had to cover the phone a lot so she wouldn't be discovered. He just is a really nice guy. He is my best friend.

She reassured herself, apart from a few dreams,she doesn't think of him that way. Although there was the time in the dojo when he held me in his arms and I don't know I felt so happy and alive. I didn't want him to let me go. His arms felt so wonderful around me I just wanted to melt into him. But then Meredith gave us a look and I pulled away. I was so embarrassed and angry.

I know I kissed him at the Dundies but that was to celebrate. I was so happy I didn't get "the longest engagement" dundie that I kissed him. I know he talked to Michael for me. He does things like that but he's my best friend. I was drinking a little more than usual and he was right there. I hugged him and for a second he held me close. Oh, God! May be this isn't right but he's my best friend.

As the weeks slid by I try not to have an affair. Casino night is here. I don't know why but I wear my blue dress. I do my hair. I want to look nice...for Roy. Roy doesn't seem to notice. Roy just leaves me there with Jim. He's my best friend. He looks different tonight. He is very handsome but that's usual. It is something more. He seems determined. His face is so beautiful. He is so funny, sweet and intelligent.

He loves me? My mind is screaming to stop him but the words tumble out of him like scrabble pieces. Oh God, no! This isn't right. He lifting the veil and making me look. He forces me to see the truth. How could he be doing this? Why is he letting Angela be right? He is my best friend. It isn't fair. It isn't right. NO NO I really don't want to fight. Why is he breaking our rules? Why is he taking away our safety? Why is he kissing me? Why am I kissing him back?

Why? Because I can't do anything else. I can't think of anything else. I want to be kissed. I want Jim to be the one kissing me as I melt into his body. He is hard in all the right places. He's my best friend and that doesn't seem to matter. I have been having an emotional affair and I just don't care. I think it is turning into a physical affair and I just can't have it any other way. His lips are soft but firm. He's my best friend and he is making me breathless. He is making me pant and I don't care.

We tried to good and we have tried to do what's right. We have tried not follow our feelings but I am done being good. I am getting in my best friend's car and he is driving me "home". We walk up to the house and we go inside. He holds my face in his hands as he kisses me again. This time it seems like an emergency. It seems like if I don't keep kissing him I will expire. My hands go to the hem of his sweater and I pull it over his had. My hands run over his chest of their own accord. He shivers but I don't think he's cold. He keeps kissing me saying my name like a chant.

My best friend is pulling me upstairs to his room. I willing go because he is my best friend and will go where ever he takes me. He shuts the door to his room closing us off from reality. He looks at me for a moment and there is a brief hesitation before it begins again. I know how it will end. I know it isn't right but I just don't care tonight. He kisses my neck and I moan. My hands circle him and I nearly swoon. I am laying in bed naked. I don't know how it happened that my dress is on the floor but I don't care. I let my best friend use his body to cover me so I don't get cold.

Panting, moaning and moving to get as close as we can to each other. He's deep inside but I want him closer. I want more and he gives it to me. I have never been greedy and selfish in bed but I take everything he gives me and still I beg for more. He's my best friend so he gives me more. He gives me everything he has and that is enough. We ride pleasure crests together and crash on the shore of fantasy. He's my best friend and he is amazing. Even though we are satisfied, we don't stop. We go on and on because this can't end. He's my best friend and I don't care that I am having an affair.

I sleep in his arms that night. Everything seems perfectly right. The office seems quiet and changed in the early morning light. I look over at him and he smiles and looks away. Lunchtime and we are in his car I am not sure where. It doesn't matter. He is kissing me, touching me and making me scream. He's my best friend and he always makes me scream. Back at the office, Roy wonders where I am. He thinks I must have left early because I was gone when he woke up. I don't want to face him and I am glad he calls to say he won't be home until late.

Work has been over for an hour and I am already under the covers in my best friend's bed. I am waiting for him to return with food. He's my best friend and he always takes care of me. We eat and then we get close again. Each time is like a miracle. I am not myself with him. I am happy, wanton and Angela might even say sluttish. I am having an affair and I don't care. I hate to leave but we both know I have to.

Over the next few days and weeks, every spare moment is spent with him. He's my best friend and I like it that way. No one seems to notice that we slip out to the stairwell or the roof. We make each other crazy and we make each other scream. He wants more. He's my best friend and he wants more than secret kisses and convert rendezvous. He isn't happy sneaking around. He hates when I slip away in the middle of the night. He no longer wants to share me. He's my best friend and he wants it all.

I am having an affair and I don't care. He's my best friend and he wants it all. I give him my time, my body, myself but he's my best friend and he wants more. He can't be happy with all of me part of the time. My best friend's greedy. He's my best friend and he wants all of me all the time. I give him my love. I hope that's enough. He's my best friend and he says he needs to go if I can't give him more. He wants it all and he wants it with me. I can't lose him because if I do than I lose me.

I tell Jim no more sneaking and no more goodbyes. I tell him I need him, I love him, I want him and I can't possibly say goodbye. I am not having an affair. I can't have an affair with my heart of hearts. I give him all he wants and more because I can do nothing but give him everything he wants and more. He's my best friend and I give him the only thing I have: I give him all of me.

Note: Okay it is a bit dizzy and whispery but I wanted to post it anyway


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